I am exhausted. I am not physically tired. I am emotionally spent. I am spiritually steamed. I am running on empty.
I have a few hobbies. I like to create art, run, lift weights, watch documentaries and I love to talk about church. In fact my other hobbies are often invaded by my churchy mind.
I create art that speaks to my faith and challenges the church world to which I am either fighting or loving. My creativity is my bridge to which I connect the profane parts of me to the divine parts of God to renew the whole.
I run and lift as a prayer. I have found liberation in running. I run to the silence of my body working to maintain a speed and struggling to get on down the road. The blood coursing through my veins and the air taken in and expelled out of my lungs being the breath of God filling the fabric of who and what I am. Running is a powerful prayer that burns the anxiety from my heart.
I watch documentaries to connect to stories. I love people’s stories. I try to make time for those stories that inhabit my life. I love to be blessed to hear the holy of people, the struggles and the hurt.
I have formed the foundation of my ministry in these places of creativity, tranquility and contemplation.
In the last three weeks I had attended three conferences. All three have been varied in topic and scope. All three have held anxiety, fear, hope, joy and some things I have not yet the words to describe.
I am exhausted. I am not physically tired. I am emotionally spent. I am spiritually steamed. I am running on empty. Actually, I am not running. I am not maintaining wellness. I am not creative, tranquil or contemplative right now.
I found it difficult to sleep last night. I tossed and turned with thoughts of vocation, employment, future, hurt, loss, fear and a lingering sense that God is speaking to me.
In the midst of this concert of emotion and thought I heard these words,
“Goodness is stronger than evil; love is stronger than hate; light is stronger than darkness; life is stronger than death. Victory is ours. Victory is ours through God who loves us. Victory is ours, victory is ours through God who loves us.” Desmond Tutu
I repeated them over and over. Washing myself in them. I bathed in the promise that God is bigger than my exhausted tank ever was.
God is indeed still speaking. I am not sure what is being said nor have I quite discerned what it is that God is calling me to. I am leaning to the notion that God is not calling me to anything in particular and that God will bless what it is that I find delight in and share that delight with the world.
I do know that the weeks filled with anxiety, woe, fear, dread and control cannot replace the desire of my heart to be creative, tranquil and contemplative. This is where I’ll strive to be.
Holy Wise Word, You are the ancient utterances that fill the lips of children and the hearts of mothers and fathers in all places. Grant us creativity so that we might we be awakened to your presence in our being. Deliver us from anxiety and the need to control so we might be a space of tranquility and Gods peace might inhabit our ways. Bless us with a contemplative heart so that Gods whispers might find our ears. We petition you in the name of the living Word Jesus the Christ trusting that being a space of creativity, tranquility and contemplation in a world hungry for peace, hope and love that we might be what God has called us to be to those in need.