I am beginning to calm a little. I am not worrying as much about what I can or cannot eat. I speant today at the laundromat and cleaning the house. This gave me time and safety to reflect on the last few days. I did not go to the gym. I needed the break from the physical exercise.
I was reflecting on why I am so fearful of the food part. I have never had a great relationship with food. I have wrestled with food addiction & overeating in my life. When I was a little kid my family used food as a reward. We were not the wealthiest of folks so food was a way we could go on vacation, escape the hardships of the place we were at. Food blanketed our hurt, pains, disappointment & inability to deal with the world. Food was always there in some manner or another. The best kind of food was sweets. My grandmother could knock out a pie or cake, even cookies daily to keep us savage little indians at bay with little money at all.
As I grew older food was that friend that calmed me when I was sad and talked me down when I was fearful, angry or confused. Food and I have had the most soap operatic of relationships. I have been in recovery for a few years for Food Addiction and have been seeing a counselor off and on for the last two years. It is something that I have been ashamed of and alluded to some family and friends. In fact, this might be the first public appearance of this dirty little secret. I am nervous that it will hamper my future as a pastor. Who wants a pastor that wrestles with addiction? Sometimes I wish my addiction was a little more glamorous and easier to shut off completely. I am just not a drugs or alcohol kind a feller. Shifting my addiction to working out has been harder than I thought due to physical limitations. I cannot workout for four hours a day.
Being diagnosed with diabetes is the bottom I have been seeking. I cannot and will not go further to the bottom. I know that God has blessed me with this to allow me to live better. This is where I am at today. I can only care for today. I must follow the best advice given to me by medical professionals as to how I may live well in with this disease.
Last Sunday I preached on Matthew 6:24-34
“You can’t worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you’ll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can’t worship God and Money both.
on not serving two masters and exegeted the passage with Pablo Neruda’s poem “I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You.”
“I do not love you except, because I love you; I go from loving to not loving you, From waiting to not waiting for you, my heart moves from cold to fire.”
I did not know it then but this sermon was more for me than it was for anyone else. I take this passage and this poem in to the fight against diabetes. God loves me and wants me to have health within my body & my connections to all of creation. I have lived in a manner that exploited the Other, my self and the call upon my life. I pray that I may take this opportunity to stop, reflect…regroup…discern in compassion and move forward to be love to the Other I exploited…be love to my self and be love to the call upon my life. Today has enough to bear. Tomorrow if it comes, arrives with provision and direction to bear.