I am still scared to eat. I feel if I eat the wrong thing I will explode and awake in the hospital or knocking on the pearly gates. This is a dreadful way to live. I must find peace in this. I spoke to my nutritionist and she is confident that I can manage this thing with diet and exercise. I am getting more confident. I pray that as the fear subsides that I do not lax my desire to walk this path and fall back to the road that got me here.
I ran again this AM and fell this is key to managing my diabetes. I do not like claiming that I have diabetes. I can barley write the word without intentionally moving my fingers to type it. I prefer “thing” or drop the direct article to create distance between me and this disease. I know I am not the first person with diabetes. I am the first me to have diabetes and this scares me. I now have preexisting conditions and I started to worry about my future and the need for heath insurance. The fight for universal coverage just got terribly personal for me.
I do find comfort in having named this disease that is hurting my body. As I learn more about it I connect the warning signs and symptoms that I have noticed in the past few years. I am comforted that I am not broken or crazy. I have diabetes. I am not diabetes. I am not a diabetic. I am a runner, preacher, husband, son, uncle, friend, advocate, peace maker, artist, speaker, author, bad dancer, retired beer chug champ, wanna-be musician, spiritual director, former carny, liberal, Christian, interfaith lover, admirer of beauty, imperfect creation that was fearfully and wonderfully made feller that has diabetes. Diabetes is a part of me that will shine and fade. I will not allow this disease to define me.